Chili Dogs and Panic Attacks - My Messy Beautiful

If you're reading this, you either a)follow my blog already {bless you} or b)found me from the Momastery link-up. Welcome. I'm happy you're here. :)

I'm not even a mom yet. I just adore Glennon and the truth she speaks. Plus, I like that she feels things as intensely as I do. So welcome...to my messy beautiful. When I first saw the information about this project, I knew I had to be a part of it. Why? Not because I have some intensely event-packed life to share. Certainly because I believe in sharing the real - the feelings, the experiences, the lessons - with people in my life. (That's you.)

If you've read anything I've had to post lately, you know it's anxiety-this or panic-attack-that. You probably also know that this isn't what I want to blog about every.single.time I post something. However, for the purpose of this Messy, Beautiful Project, here's my mess.

I love my life. It isn't perfect, but I love it. LOVE it. Intensely. (This is one of those reasons I feel everything so much. I remember the good things of years past all the time. Moments and faces that other people have forgotten or moved past, I cling to, still loving as the time ticks by.)

In the summer/fall (in Mississippi, this is one season) of 2010, I started having panic attacks. Randomly. Out of nowhere. I didn't even know what was going on with me. Let me be clear - I've always been a little uptight. Super cautious. I don't take many chances (other than telling nearly every boy I ever had a crush on how I felt). I just play it safe. However, I'd never had a legitimate panic attack until this time in 2010.

It was as if once I recognized the panic attack, it came back to visit on the daily. It made itself comfortable in my life. (A little too comfortable if you ask me!) 

I didn't want to take medicine. Really, I didn't want to need medicine. It got to that point, though. (And hear me - THAT'S OK!)

For a period over the summer, I was dog-sitting and house-sitting for a co-worker. I ate a lot of Sonic because it was close to her house. One night, I had gotten a foot-long chili cheese coney. I had gotten about half-way through it when I felt something in my leg. I couldn't have imagined a twitch or tiny muscle-spasm. No. My mind went straight to a blood clot. I sat there, holding the half eaten chili dog, waiting for the blood clot to go straight to my heart and kill me. But guess what...

It didn't. 

That's just one of those give-panic-an-inch-and-it-takes-800-miles-and-then-some scenarios. Anxiety and panic attacks are a part of my life. Parts that are better controlled with medicine than without. 

Though years pass, and the anxiety ebbs and flows, I am hopeful. I am grateful for the people in my life who help me through. They are gifts from the Lord, and I will be forever grateful for how they listen, talk, love, and help me through my messy beautiful. (You aren't alone in yours either, Warrior.)

Also, G's book is now available in paperback. It's at the top of my birthday list, too. (My birthday happens to be in one month and eight days...)

I would love to connect with you further! Find me any and everywhere online @jesstinybird!

You are SO loved,

Jessica