I'm still here, after all these years, writing words that I hope someone sees and resonates with.
This morning, I was getting ready for church. I had an epiphany. (That's usually when they happen for me. When I'm getting ready or on my morning commute.)
I've been in a season of feeling distant from the Lord, but about two weeks ago, I felt like I was having a breakthrough. There have been good moments, and I've had a couple of realizations - both about my feelings and about my walk with the Lord. However, this past week or a little longer, I've been pretty down. Just when I thought I was breaking through, my mood went down into the muck and mire. (My period also didn't help with my feelings. You're welcome. I'm just sure you were wondering.)
Ok, but back to this morning and the epiphany. I'm getting ready for church, and it's like a lightbulb goes off. (I've explained before, maybe here but definitely IRL, that when I have a lightbulb moment, it isn't a cute little Einstein bulb. It's like an office fluorescent that hums as it comes on. Suddenly there's a bright light illuminating the truth.)
When I think of an idol, I think of something good. Someone good. Something or someone I can accidentally but easily obsess over. (For example, when I was 16, I had to give up wrestling for a few years because I knew it was an idol in my life.)
Really, though, an idol is anything I believe, even subconsciously, holds more power than God. Now you may have heard a record scratch. "WHAT DO YOU MEAN MORE POWERFUL THAN GOD?!"
In my heart of hearts, I know nothing and no one is more powerful than God. BUT. My actions and thought life don't always provide proof of that.
I've been obsessing over some parts of our life and giving so much power and credit to circumstances.
So here are the two realizations I've had over the past two or so weeks:
1: I texted this to two of my best friends on Sunday, January 30: I always feel or believe that God is disappointed in me rather than for me. I think that's the barrier causing me to feel disconnected. (This felt HUGE and eye-opening and freeing. I recognized the lie and called it what it was, and that's so empowering!)
2: This morning, I realized that my discontentment with where we are financially has been an idol in my life. I didn't even realize it, but I've given this circumstance ALL the power over my mindset and attitude the past week. I've been so irritable and felt so defeated. Rather than turning to the Lord, I've just been lamenting to anyone who will listen. (Tbh, Jordan Thornton is a SAINT.) The Lord has more for us than being slaves to money. As soon as I realized this this morning, I repented. I don't want any idols in my life, and now I'm aware of another place where the enemy tries to distract me.
The sermon this morning was 100% for me (and at least two other friends I'd talked with before and after). It was about bitterness and not letting it take root. That's what I'd done! If you give bitterness or resentment an inch, it will take (at the very least) a mile.
I really always feel under-qualified or not holy enough to talk about the Lord. I know that's one of those things, too, that isn't entirely true. I just never want to mislead anyone or seem less than genuine. My heart is for the Lord. I'm learning that He is a lot different that I'd always heard or thought. He can handle all my feelings and imperfections, and He isn't surprised by even one of them.
The Lord is at work in me, in spite of me, and all around me. I'm thankful for His constantly gracious nature that wants me to play a part in His story.
If you read this jumble of feelings and thoughts, thank you. It really means a lot to me.
You are so loved, friend.