Perceived: To Be or Not to Be? (Part One)

I've had this one in my heart for a long time, friends. (This post and another one that is coming very soon.) I feel like I've been dragging my feet because I'm scared I won't say all the things I want to say or I won't get the words out right or I'll sound crazy babbling...

I'm going to try anyway. I have to. It's time.

I spend a lot of time thinking. About life. About myself. About God. About things I wish were different. About things I miss or would do differently. I spend a lot of time overthinking and analyzing what I've said or how it might have been received.

I like to think that I'm decently self-aware, so it wasn't a newsflash to me when I realized that I like attention and seek validation. 

For so many of my youngest years, I was shy and quiet. Back then, I probably liked attention for behaving "correctly" and sought validation that I was following the rules and doing things "right". (Lots of things make sense to me now, you know?)

Even during the years that I was shy and quiet, I've always wanted to be someone. I truly thought a life of fame and fortune and glitz and glamour was going to be mine! Whether I was a queen of the squared circle or a pop star using loads of autotune, I just knew that "IT" was going to happen for me!

I remember back in 2011 or so, when blogs were really A Thing, searching on Google to figure out how much money I would need to launch a successful fashion blog. (LOL that back then Google said between $200,000 and $300,000 dollars!)

I've posted here. I've posted on social media. I've been waiting to be discovered. (And waiting. And waiting some more.)

Also, I've realized in my quick-to-anger reflexes lately that I hate not being seen. I hate not being seen in traffic and feeling like I'm in danger. I hate being the only one who ever feels "in the way" on a crowded supermarket aisle. I think about how selfish they are to not see me...and how selfish I am for wanting them to.

I know that paragraph feels so out of left field, but it really all contributes to the same narrative: I want to be seen and known. I felt behind for so long. Disappointed in God, even. I've felt like I'm swimming in Jello - making small movements but at the same time, not much progress.

I think in all of this, I've been looking for my place, somewhere I belong. And, friends, I've found it.

With the Lord - Who created me and has always seen and known me best.

With Jordan.

With my sister.

With my parents - all four of them.

With the best friends who have always been beside me.

With all the ones that are still to come.

I've always wanted to be someone, and you know what? I am.